The War Years
in the Bicycle Delivery
service It wasn't long
before Ole' Honest Abe
came a callin' to ask me
to take part in his War.
Many Democrats of the
day believed the war was a lie
And that the whole
slavery issue had been
"Sexed up" by the Lincoln
defense Department.
Atlanta when i inadvertently
knocked over a lantern in
Mrs. O'Leary's barn, I earned
my commission to Colonel
"Holocaust thing"
The Big One: WWII
Was one stange trip
I spent the war Spying
on the Krauts from a
POW camp.
Love and Marriage
The First Wife: Bertha.
Bertha and had I a
wonderful marriage.
But alas, Bertha would
die of terminal toenail
fungus at the tender age
of 75.
fall in love again and
marry another beautiful
woman who had 2 small
Black children and a
wacky housekeeper with
big hair.
Arnold would spend
Hours tinkering with
the Firebird and then
Cruise the beach
for babes
Work, work, work!
times but we made the
best of it my associates
and I got by selling fish
that we would catch
ourselves. We didn't do
so badly with the babes
either.
I settled down in
Nashua, N.H. and went
to work as a toast delivery
expert at the House of Toast
.Within a few years I worked
my way to the top and purchased
The House of Toast in 1959
Adventure
allowed me to pursue
my fascination with
Egyptoloogy. My learned
associates and I would
soon discover the
legendary lost tomb of
King Rootin Tootin.
I was tapped by NASA
to accompany the first
Mission to Mars as an all
around pain in the neck
and trouble maker.
I didn't believe the first mate
Don West's heart was in it
as I would often hear him whisper to Judy: "I'd love to
see Uranus."
service droid which I
designed for this mission.
His chief purpose is to flail
his arms and yell "Danger".
the crew enjoying our favorite
pastime: standing around
in a bunch as if we were
posing for a picture.
the crap scared out
of me by a huge
genetically modified
carrot. I later killed,
shredded and made
a delightful Jello salad
out of him.
I soon entered the Space
Academy where I quickly
rose to the rank of Captain
and was given my own
command.
International Diplomacy
the white house it was up to
me to settle the WMD
debate.
TV and Movies: Roles/Auditions
A fun western romp
Deep Beneath the Planet of Gilligan's Island 1968.
Following up on the wild success of
'The Harlem Globe Trotters on Gilligan's Island', I decided to cash in on
'Gilligan' Fever that was sweeping the country.
For some odd reason Bob Denver wouldn't touch the script
so I decided to step in.
Adam-13 1974:
This was an unsuccessful spin off of Adam-12.
Its failure was a bitter follow up to my other Martin Milner spin-off 'Rt. 128.' where we cruise
the Boston area in a 1963 Dodge Dart changing flat tires for babes inn miniskirts and rescuing old ladie's cats from certain peril.
BBC 1964-1978
This long running show featured
me as an irrascible sales clerk whose
catch phrases are "Go get it yourself!
You Bastard!" and "Go Bugger yerself!"
The Movie was followed by the wildly
successful Go Get It Yourself!: On Ice!
Alas Go Get It Yourself!: The Musical
Directed by Rosie O'Donnell and
Starring boy George as Mr. Humphries
was a dismal failure.
In this 1 season wonder
I sneak into a sheiks harem
to make time with the ladies.
you can rest assured that
wackiness and frivolity
ensued
My audition for Batman fell flat.
Ubfortunately a severe hangover
kept me from performing up to
My usual standard.
Burt Ward won the role and he
did an excellent job. Congrats Burt!